


Gotta Catch 'Em All

by connoisseurus_rex



Category: Pokemon, Prison Break
Genre: 1.21 gigawatts, Action, Adventure, Angst, Crack, Drama, Electrocution, Florencenightingaleophilia, Fox River, Het and Slash, Justice for Michael and Lincoln, Justice for Pikachu, Love, Multi, Republicans, Resurrection, Romance, Violence, dirty sex fiends, white people and cats rapping, wtfery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-07-27
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connoisseurus_rex/pseuds/connoisseurus_rex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Mahone asks Ash and Pikachu to hunt down the Fox River 8! Michael Scofield is a genius, but is he smart enough to defeat Ash in a poke battle and escape capture in a giant pokeball?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After Michael Scofield fucked up a gazillion lives and screwed over eleventy billion people by breaking out of Fox River, Alex Mahone needed to catch him and the rest of the Fox River 8.  If he didn’t, the Company (a secret evily group of multinational douche nozzles masquerading as not-so-secret evily multinational douche nozzles like Walmart, Monsanto and Disney) were going to hurt his family and tell everyone about how he’d been fertilizing his yard with Shales’ corpse.  He decided the easiest and best thing to do would be to recruit Ash Ketchum and his yellow electrified rat (because escaped cons are a lot like pokémon in the sense that you gotta catch ’em all, and Ash was pretty successful at this despite being, well, Ash Ketchum).

 

Also Mahone knew that most of the cons were essentially good men who had done essentially bad things but would be kind to children, especially Sucre and C-Note.  Notice how PoC are nice to kids and all the white people do is scare them?  Like Abruzzi, T-Bag, and Haywire; that crazy asshole stole that little girl’s bike.  Except T-Bag, of course, who would probably rape and murder them for lulz.  But it was a risk worth taking because T-Bag was basically a redneck Pedobear who could be easily lured into a kiddy-trap (lol, that’s what Mahone thought).

 

“What do you say, Pikachu?”  asked Ash with the insufferable enthusiasm that Pikachu hated because he found it insufferable.  “Think we can catch these guys?”

 

“Pika-pi!”  exclaimed Pikachu, totally faking it like it was an orgasm.  Which is Pikachu for _FUCK YEAH MUTHAFUCKA!_   Pikachu was thinking about the reward money and how if he had some of it he could get finally get out of his emotionally and physically abusive relationship with Ash.  Then he could flee to Panama and wouldn’t have to walk from town to town battling other pokémon like that’s all there is to life (which there isn’t, sorry for your lots Ash).  YOLO! Pikachu thought, top-secretly pleased with his stripey, lightning-bolt-tailed self.

 

But first they would need bigger poké balls.

Naturally, Brock (who suffers from Florencenightingaleophilia  or ‘being a perv’ as they say in layman’s terms) made heart-y eyes at her, but Katie didn’t know where the cons had gone so that was a dead end. 

 

Meanwhile Bill Kim didn’t trust Agent Kellerman to spy on Sara so he ordered Team Rocket to keep an eye on him.  Team Rocket’s boss, Giovanni, was a member of the Company and good friends with General Pad Man (which sounds like either a Black Panther or a drug dealer’s name, don’t you think?)  Then again, he was an Army doctor or something and everyone knows doctors are always giving people drugs.

 

Agent K (Kellerman’s an MIB but _NOT_ the Tommy Lee Jones one because Kellerman would probably protect the Earth – and by Earth I mean Planet America – from illegal aliens – and by illegal aliens I mean people who aren’t white and don’t speak American – not aliens from distant planets just so we’re clear) hated Jesse and James because they were incompetent boobs (much like his tubby dead partner Danny), but he liked Meowth because Meowth was a conniving little shit (much like him).  Also, Meowth confided in Kellerman that he knew a lot about guns and slept with a wicked bad knife under his pillow because he often fantasized about stabbing his team mates to deathly death and running off with Glameow.  If that was Facebook status, Agent Kellerman would have liked it.  He had fantasies about killing everyone and running off with the president (not George Bush, mind you, because that would have been weird and gross, but Caroline Reynolds who was more like Hilary Clinton if Hilary Clinton was Mitt Romney with a vagina made of piranha teeth).  Plus Meowth enjoyed all that tasty jerky Kellerman had lying around his place so it was a beautiful friendship just like in that famous black and white movie where the girl gets on a plane in the end.

 

Meanwhile, Ash, Brock and Misty were proving useless at finding leads, so Mahone figured out that Michael and his brother were headed to Utah to get DB Cooper’s money.  And so was everyone else – holy shit!

 

“Utah sure is a long way from Chicago!”  exclamation-(re)marked Ash.  “Gonna take us a few years to walk there.”

 

Mahone made a sweat-drop face and told the black FBI lady to drive them to Tool, Utah.

 

Meanwhile, back in the Chi-Town – home of wind, Kanye West and more Irish-American cops than you can shake a stick at (but you wouldn’t shake any sticks at them ever because they’d shoot you, especially if you were a minority or were basically up to ill shit like shaking sticks at cops) – Team Rocket was spying on Kellerman and Meowth who were pretending to be junkies to earn Sara’s trust (because gay dudes and cats are obviously every single woman’s best friends).

 

**What will happen next?  Will Ash challenge Michael Scofield to a poké battle in Tool? Will T-Bag seduce Misty with his zombie-hand and deep-fried chicken accent? Will Sara be fooled by a pretend-gay guy and his cartoon cat? Will Kony be caught?**

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	2. Chapter 2

Ash, Pikachu, Brock and Misty made it to Utah but the black FBI lady had to drop them off outside of Tool Town (because everyone knows Utah is full of racist Morons who have a bajillion wives but only one black person, which was now two with the Fedex agent).  This suited Ash because swaggering into towns with his Pallet Town swag made him feel like a pokémon league version of Justin Bieber.

 

On a street corner the children confronted Michael and Lincoln who were trying to find the Triple K Ranch.

 

“Hi, my name is Ash Ketchum and I’m training to be a pokémon trainer,”  said Ash.  “This is Pikachu.”

 

“Pika!”  said Pikachu which is Pikachu for _HELP ME GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE_ (at this point his relationship with Ash was like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise before the divorce and Pikachu just wanted _out)_.

 

“These are my friends Brock and Misty.”

 

Because Michael was a genius he understood Pikachu.  He whispered to his brother in a soft voice that the kids couldn’t hear: “We have to help the yellow rat thingy get away from those people.”  Then he said to the kids in a louder voice that they could hear: “My name is Michael Scofield.  This is my brother Lincoln Burrows.  We’re innocent escaped cons trying to run away and prove our innocence.”

 

His voice was very low and sexy.  It sounded like the hypnotic smoke from a blunt stuffed with God’s personal stash and angel pubic hair and lit with a charizard’s holy fire.  Somewhere, a kitten meowed and it rained in a desert in Africa for the first time since it had rained the last time.  Ash, Brock, Misty, Pikachu and fangirls and gay fanboys everywhere made heart-y eyes at Michael Scofield.

 

Lincoln made a sweat-drop face.  Michael made the same sexy frowny face he always does, like so: **> :|**

 

Meanwhile back in Chicago, Meowth heard the kitten meow (cat’s have very keen intuitive psychic powers) and he knew that Michael Scofield had spoken.  “Dat con’s in Yootar!”  he exclamation-(re)marked.

 

“Good, let’s go there right now,”  said Agent Kellerman.  “We’ll take Sara in case Michael makes any dumb genius moves.  We’ll threaten to kill her.”

 

Then he and Meowth who were basically like that fucked-up colonel guy in Apocalypse Now threw their heads back and laughed like the AWWWWW YEAH guy.

 

Jesse and James protested because they were all supposed to stay in Chicago like the Company said so, of course, they had to be blasting off again.  Except this time they were blasted all over the wall by Kellerman and Meowth who were dressed like Wall Street Rambos in suits and ties but had guns with silencers.  It was a quiet killing at least.

 

Back in Tool Michael and Lincoln found T-Bag and that Eminem kid who liked Moron girls.  T-Bag made heart-y eyes at Misty.

 

“Why do they call you Teabag?”  asked Misty who blushed when T-Bag put his zombie-handed arm around her.  “Do you like tea?”

 

T-Bag chuckled to himself, licked his lips with his pointy devil tongue and drooled a bit.  Misty sure did look like the kind of child that he liked to assrape and murder.  She was really begging for it.  He could tell.  “Will you show me your starfish, sweet thang?”

 

And by “starfish” T-Bag meant “butthole”.

 

“Sure thing, mister!”  So Misty went off to show T-Bag her Staryu (because Misty thought that by “starfish” T-Bag meant “starfish”).  Staryus always know when dirty sex perverts are about to buttsecks their trainers and being the protective water pokémon that it was, it used Water Gun and knocked T-Bag out.  Misty was a little sad because the creepy man was disabled until Staryu reminded her that he had at least one other hand to jerk-off with and that she wasn’t being an ableist tease.

 

Luckily T-Bag had already showed Michael and everyone else where to find the KKK Ranch.  The problem was he was now unconscious and couldn’t help them with their next problem: dealing with all the KKK members living on the land where the five million bucks were buried.  As everyone knows the KKK are a bunch of racist tools (which explains why they owned a ranch in Tool).  How would the gang get access to the house to dug up the money?

 

Well, they couldn’t send in Ash or Misty because they were Japanese.  Brock was a Chinese black guy (Yahoo Answers wasn’t real clear on that, sorry).  Eminem-kid was a wigga.  Michael was too pretty.  Lincoln liked to wear his shirt unbuttoned so the KKK might think he was gay.  Luckily C-Note and Sucre showed up so Michael decided they should go knock on the door, because stupid white people think only blacks and Hispanics go into manual labor.

 

The KKK were happy to have their power turned back on because their beer was getting warm in the fridge and they were missing NASCAR so they let the gang in to fix the power (lolz, that’s what they thought) and they didn’t mind as long as the privileged white straight guy, Michael, was the boss of everyone.

 

The escaped cons and pokémon trainers dug up the money but then T-Bag got his consciousness back and ran to tell the other KKKs what was up.  Everyone else had to split.  Some stuff happened and then some more stuff happened.

 

In the end they were standing in a forest next to a river and Ash revealed his true nature to Michael.

 

“I am Ash Ketchum,”  Ash said again in case anyone had missed it the first time,  “and I am working for Alex Mahone!  I challenge you to a pokemon battle!  Pikachu, I choose you!”

 

“Pi-pi-pika,”  Pikachus sighed.  Which is Pikachu for _NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN_.

 

Michael wasn’t surprised because he’s like McGuyver, Stephen Hawking, David Blaine and Nostradamus all rolled into one.  He could see The Future and the back end of the future (which is actually the Butthole of Time, sometimes called the Past) and he knew that he was going to be electrocuted to death while breaking Sara out of prison in The Final Break (SPOILER ALERT).  But not yet.  No, that Pikachu would not kill him.  He was going to defeat Ash Ketchum and save Pikachu and prove his brother innocent!  But first…

 

“I accept your challenge!”  Michael cried and the mountains rang with his sexy voice and the river trembled in its rivery path.  Somewhere, a couple of miles away, the state troopers heard him and began to make their way toward him.  “Lincoln Burrows, I choose you!”

 

“Wait, what the fuck man?!”  said Lincoln in his voice that was sometimes Australian.

 

**What will happen next?  Will Lincoln be defeated by Pikachu?  Will Michael save Pikachu?  Will Greece use their Olympic gold medals as currency?**

 

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	3. Chapter 3

A voice from Above like the Genesis voice of God (which is the sexiest book in the Bible because it has seduction, temptation, naked people, apples and bestiality!) that sounded a lot like Michael Scofield especially at the beginning of every episode, said: “Previously, on Prison Break…”

 

_“I accept your challenge!”  Michael cried and the mountains rang with his sexy voice and the river trembled in its rivery path.  Somewhere, a couple of miles away, the state troopers heard him and began to make their way toward him.  “Lincoln Burrows, I choose you!”_

_“Wait, what the fuck man?!”  said Lincoln in his voice that was sometimes Australian._

“I’m not gonna battle the rat pokemon!”  exclamation-(re)marked Lincoln.  “That thing probably generates 1.21 gigawatts.  Great scot, Michael!  I may as well as go back to Fox River and sit in the eclectic chair!”

 

“Aclarm yourself, Linc,”  whispered his baby brother.  “Pikachu wants to get away from Ash so he’ll only pretend to use his attack.  You will pretend to be electrocuted.  When that happens I will grab Pikachu and you will get up and we will hop on Sucre’s bike.”  Michael talked to his big brother like he was Jack Donoghue and Linc was Liz Lemon.  It was all very civilized and demeaning.

 

Just as they were about to start the battle, they heard a white guy and a cat singing:

 

**Here come the men in black**

**President Reynolds’s defenders!**

**Here come the men in black**

**They’ll put you in a blender!**

**Uh uh, uh uh**

 

It was so off-key and bad and so not like the Will Smith version (which is pretty bad itself because Will Smith is a coconut who thinks he is a black guy) that everyone turned to boo and then they saw Agent Kellerman and Meowth who was tastefully retired in a mini cat-sized suit, coming into the woods dragging Sara behind them.  They had machetes and guns with mufflers.

 

“Sara!”  exclamation-(re)marked Michael.

 

“Michael!”  exclamation-(re)marked Sara.

 

“Sara!”  exclamation-(re)marked Lincoln.

 

“Lincoln!”  exclamation-(re)marked Sara.

 

“Kellerman!” exclamation-(re)marked Lincoln.

 

“Lincoln!”  exclamation-(re)marked Kellerman.

 

“Pikachu!”  exclamation-(re)marked Meowth.

 

“PIKA PI!” exclamation-(re)marked Pikachu, which is Pikachu for _EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP_.

 

“Who are those guys?”  whined Ash, who had been looking forward to getting his ass kicked in yet another poke-battle.

 

“Who is _she_?”  said Brock, making heart-y eyes at Sara.  Even though Sara was a doctor and not a nurse, she was still every bit the healthcare professional that the kinky sex fiend Brock liked to have tie him up with a stethoscope and give him enemas in his butt.  Misty made a sweat-drop face.

 

“I think the name says it all, kid,”  said Michael, making his balls into fists.  “They’re the men in black who work for that dastardly Company and they have my one true love.  Let her go!”  he commanded.

 

“I don’t think so,”  said Kellerman.  “I like having two pussies to play with.”

 

“You _are_ a pussy, man!”  exclamation-(re)marked Linc, who hadn’t liked Kellerman much since the agent had told him that story about youthesizing his great danish.

 

“If you’ve rapped her,”  Michael threatened, his face looking all serious and frowny, like a constipated thunderstorm,  “I will kill you!”

 

“LOLZ!”  laughed Kellerman.  “You can’t kill a man, Michael. You couldn’t even kill a cat.”

 

That was true. Michael was not like other men in the sense that he was something other than other men.  His otherness was indeed otherly.  “Please, just let her go.  And…and…I’ll return myself over to you.”

 

“But I want a poke-battle!”  cried Ash like a whiny little fucker.

 

 _PI PIKA PI_ thought Pikachu, which is Pikachu for _PI PIKA PI_.  He had to do _something_.  Michael Scofield was his ticket away from Ash and endless slavery and despair of being a traveling battling pokemon.  He would have to act immediately as in right now, but the choice he was about to make would cost someone’s life.

 

**What will happen next?  Will Michael forgive Pikachu for what he was about to do?  Will Pikachu be able to forgive himself?  Will Naruto fans ever stop being complete assholes?**

 

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	4. Chapter 4

While Michael offered to give himself up to the evily Agent K and M in exchange for the freedom of Sara’s virgin hole, Pikachu fretted about what to do.  He needed Michael to get away from Ash Ketchum who had a terrible secret of terribleness.  The truth about Ash Ketchum (besides him being a sucky-ass Pokemon trainer) was that he molested poor Pikachu.

 

Hanging around Brock had made Ash a sexomaniac and he enjoyed shoving certain pokemons up his butt like a buttplug and making them use their attacks on his prostate to make him achieve sexual satisfaction.  The cum would shoot out of his sushi love roll like a New Year’s Eve party streamer or that plastic spray-can stringy cheese stuff.  Pikachu _hated_ trips up Ash’s anus.  It was dark up there and damp like the cobbled London streets that Jack the Ripper once stalked. With only the occasional corn kernel to sustain himself with. He couldn’t live like that anymore.

 

_PIKACHHHUUUU!!!_

 

Suddenly Pikachu used Lightning Attack and electrocuted Lincoln. For a few brief moments it was even possible to see his manly man-skelton through his skin.  There was much wtfery and chaos.  There was so much chaos that Ian Malcolm showed up to tell everyone that “life finds a way”.

 

Michael grabbed Sara and hopped on behind Sucre who had been standing there the whole time doing nothing (because he’s Hispanic and everyone thinks that all Hispanic people do is nothing when they are not trying to sneak across the Mexicon border).  Sucre gunned the bike and drove away, trying to jump the river like he was E.T. in a flying bicycle passing across the moon.

 

But he wasn’t and the bike fell in the raging river.  Kellerman and Meowth decided to get fuck out of there before Team Reynolds was blasted off again.

 

Lincoln was electrocuted to death so there wasn’t much he could do.

 

Cried Misty: “We have to save them!”

 

“No!”  Argued Ash.  “They stole Pikachu, let them drown!”

 

“But Sara is hot,”  said Brock.  “We should at least save her.”

 

“They’ll drown!”  exclamation-(re)marked Misty.  “Alex Mahone is a big meanie.  We’re supposed to use our pokemon for Good not Bad.”

 

Ash felt betrayed by Pikachu’s betrayal.  He turned away with a sulky huff and crossed his arms across his chest.  “Well _I’m_ not going to help.”

 

Misty ran toward the water. “Staryu! I choose you!”

 

Staryu popped out of its poke-ball and landed in the water.

 

“Brock!” she said.  “Help me!”

 

But Brock wasn’t paying attention to Misty. He was distracted by a black man who had suddenly appeared beside Lincoln.  “Jesus Christ!”

 

“Brock, stop swearing and help me save Pikachu and those grown-ups!”

 

“No, seriously, Misty, it’s Jesus Christ!”

 

Jesus had come down from Heaven and was standing over Lincoln.

 

**What will happen next?  Will Misty and Staryu save Michael, Lincoln and Sucre?  What does the Son of God want with Lincoln?**

 

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


End file.
